My new partner is familiar with polyamory but has only negative connotations associated with it. A past partner of theirs' used polyamorous rhetoric to justify -- and get away with -- years of emotional manipulation and abuse, and now my partner is scarred in a way where they doubt that ethical non-monogamy even exists. Meanwhile, I've had almost a decade of healthy, happy experience with non-monogamy. While my partner is willing to give it a shot, I don't want to ever place them in a "polyamorous under duress" situation and want to do my best not to trigger past trauma. What practices can I use to best inform our path moving forward?

First off, good on you for taking your partner’s past trauma seriously. That is the real first step so you’re already on your way!

Despite being in non-monogamous configurations for the entirety of my dating history, I was, for years, that person with lots of trauma around it. Just like people can have strings of bad monogamous relationships (or just one very traumatic formative experience), the same can happen with polyamory. It’s important to recognize this both as individuals and as a community.

But where do we go from there?

It’s easy to grasp the concept of non-monogamy and read the books and listen to the podcasts, but practical application is harder. You’ve been put in a position where you kind of have to prove that ethical non-monogamy is possible. I would like to take a moment to remind you that you do not have to do this. You are responsible for making your partnership with this person healthy and safe, not for absolving past partners of their misdeeds.

If you want to avoid ‘polyamorous under duress’ then the simple answer is not to place undue pressure on your partner to conform to your relationship expectation timeline. Don’t jump right into play parties and group dates. If they set a boundary, don’t assume you know what’s best for them and subvert it. A common thing past manipulative partners did “for” me was to force relationships between their dates and I when I had specifically asked to only know when a date was happening. Strangers would show up in my friend requests or inbox saying how thankful they were for the work I was doing or how cool they thought I was, and despite their good intentions it made me feel like I had to be perfect, like I had to set my own feelings aside for the sake of not damaging my partner’s image in the community. I mean, God forbid I ruin their ability to get laid by being a “jealous bitch”.

What helped (with better partners) was being asked if I wanted to be involved. To be able to meet people my partner might date again in a more platonic/public way (karaoke was fun). It also helped to meet them AS PEOPLE. Not as ‘this person I slept with six months ago’ or ‘this person I am really crushing on’. And it helped to have them meet me as just ‘the partner’, not ‘my partner who you really need to impress and make feel safe so that they can be more comfortable with nonmonogamy’.

Another issue I’ve seen is a ‘tit for tat’ polyam style where the newer partner is encouraged to go out and find someone to spend time with so they don’t feel left out. For one, this is manipulative towards that third person who now gets to be a ‘comfort toy’ for your partner’s feelings. Beyond that, it’ll set up a competition element to your dates. If one of you has a date and the other can’t find one, are they failing at non-monogamy? Will the person with a date be required to cancel their plans? Will the person who doesn’t have a date feel the need to go out with someone, anyone, even if it means having a bad time?

Also, while you are focusing on your relationship, know that anyone else the two of you try to date does get a say in things. Some people may hear that your partner has only had bad experiences with polyamory they are trying to overcome and go ‘you know what? I don’t want to be a part of that’. You have to respect that and not hold it against them or your partner. Do not view it as your partner preventing you from meeting people (unless they outright veto all of your dates or start setting up ridiculous rules to block  you from developing new relationships). Instead, think of it as what it is: you not currently being in a place where you and that person are compatible. 

Lastly (and this is nowhere near the full list of options, just the ones I think are most useful for starting out), understand and communicate to your partner that there are varied ways to be ethically non-monogamous. You and your current partner get to decide together what non-monogamy looks like for you. Non-monogamy is absolutely a team sport. Remind them that it doesn’t have to look like their past relationships, that this is a joint project, and that everyone gets a say. Sit down together and mutually share what your ideal scenario is, what boundaries you need right now, and what things you need to feel supported. Don’t forget to check in when there are big changes or when some time has passed to ‘take the temperature’ of those boundaries. You may find out that what you each need now is wildly different than before, and that could mean no longer being partnered. This is OK. By merit of respecting each other’s needs you have been successful.

I wish you both luck on this journey and hope you can build a relationship that makes you both happy!

Maggie McMuffin is a queer nightlife performer and sex worker living the bicoastal dream. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and in your local dumpster. Instagram @maggie_mcmuffin, Twitter @MaggieMcMuff