Guest Columnist Nolan Lawless returns to counsel a polyam reader who's being publicly accused of emotional abuse

I have a question about my ex, Sam. I'm a demisexual woman living overseas, where there is a small community of English speakers. I dated my ex for 3 years. After just 1 month of being exclusive, he could not be monogamous, and I reluctantly agreed to open the relationship. Two years later (during which he slept with several people although I hadn’t dated anyone) I started dating another man – Bruce – and quickly fell in love. Sam got upset and wanted me to stop seeing Bruce, but I refused.

This went on for a few months, during which Sam alternated between being extremely affectionate and upset. Eventually, Sam gave me an ultimatum and I broke up with him and continued dating Bruce. I was recently told that in the 2.5 years since our break-up, Sam has been publicly accusing me of emotional abuse, saying me not breaking up with Bruce violated his consent. I did some reflecting, and I understand that poly under duress can be considered manipulative, but was it in this situation? This hit me hard (as an abuse survivor myself), and the fact that our community is so small makes me socially anxious. What should I do?

Your story is unfortunately fairly common. To start, I want to share a quote from polyamory educator and activist Joreth Innkeeper:

"The trick to polyamory is not how many partners you have, but how you handle your partners having other partners."

While the majority of people drawn to non-monogamy are seeking to create multiple honest, caring relationships, there are some, like Sam, who use it as an excuse to fulfill their desires without consideration of anyone else. That kind of person, who uses polyamory as a cover for selfishness, often views their relationships as possessions rather than people, and as a result they don't accept that their partners have the same right to self-determination that they do.

One of the hardest things to do in the aftermath of any relationship is to make an honest assessment of what responsibility we had for how things ended. From that standpoint, I want to commend you for taking the time for self-reflection, even in the face of these accusations. You are correct that polyamory under duress can absolutely be abusive, but Sam didn't experience duress when he was the one having multiple relationships. In fact, you state that it was his idea to open the relationship, and that you were the one who was reluctant.

It is a common tactic for abusers to claim that they are the real victims, and it sounds like that is what is happening here. Unless you had a specific negotiated power exchange agreement for the rules to be different for him than for you (which I assume you would have mentioned), it is unreasonable for him to expect that he could veto your relationship. His asking that of you was itself manipulative (and probably misogynistic). You can be assured, unless there is significant information that you left out, that you were not abusive for pursuing Bruce.

Unfortunately, because Sam already chose to publicize his version of events to your small community, keeping this private is no longer an option, so you have a decision to make. You could continue to go on as you had before you knew that he had shared this information. You have gone for over two years without even knowing Sam was spreading this around your community, much less addressing it. You don't mention there having been any specific consequences to his accusations, so this might be the easiest solution.

However, you have every right to have your truth be heard by those who have heard Sam's side. Your community is small, which means the people know you beyond what he has said, and you have the ability to discuss the situation with them individually. Since most of them had the discretion to keep what Sam said about you to themselves, hopefully they will give you the same courtesy, but there is always a chance that it will get back to him, so you will need to be prepared for that. If this is the direction you choose to go, be confident in the fact that continuing your relationship with Bruce was not abusive, or even unfair, towards Sam.

Nolan Lawless is a Licensed Professional Counselor, sex educator, public speaker, and polyamory advocate. He has presented across the United States and Canada on alternative sexuality and alternative relationship models, both to professional and community audiences. Nolan is owner of Infinite Heart Coaching, through which he provides support to a diverse range of clients, including many in non-traditional or non-monogamous relationships. His current focus is on increasing the number of polyamory-informed mental health professionals across North America, and he coordinates and teaches continuing education workshops for clinicians about working with non-monogamous clients. www.infiniteheartcoaching.com www.facebook.com/NolanLawlessLPC, www.facebook.com/infiniteheartcoaching.