The best advice I have for you, Monogamist, is to cease dating immediately. Full stop. End things with your current girlfriend with compassion, intention, and transparency, telling her that you’re having serious concerns about your ability to act ethically in the relationship moving forward.
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For more than two years, I was seeing a married man. Several months ago, his wife figured things out. We took a break while they talked. He is interested in establishing a poly-type relationship, but he is not sure his wife would be open to it. Do you think it is possible for him to establish a poly relationship out of something that started out as non-ethical non-monogamy? If so, how should he go about it?
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One of my partners recently started dating a person they've been very into for a long time. Recently, my partner mentioned that this person would like to have sex without condoms, and ran it by me. I said no, and am feeling guilty about it.
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Many of us have been placed in a situation where we’ve felt the responsibility to perform intimacy, either out of politeness, regard for the other party’s feelings, or commitment to a greater agenda. It can feel forced, strained, exhausting and uncomfortable. Now, imagine that the person you’re stuck performing intimacy with is a different gender than the one(s) you are attracted to. Then imagine that the performing of intimacy has to extend to interacting sexually with that person. Oh, and it has to be 100% believable as an authentic connection.
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When was the last time you were interested in someone who wasn't comfortable with being poly, or the fact that you had other partners? How did you handle it and how did they respond? I'm wondering if they wanted to ask questions and learn more and seemed sincerely open to this new idea, or if they completely rejected the whole concept.
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In short? Abso-posit-tively! Sexual desire fluctuates throughout our lives and is dependent on a number of variable, intersecting, and often unpredictable factors. This is as true for non-monogamous people as it is for monogamous folks.
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I've had the pleasure of knowing Mona since we worked in a domination house together back in 2013. Since then, she's skyrocketed to pornographic stardom in a time where the porn industry is struggling more than it ever has before. Don't let her flawless mainstream appearance fool you - she's as intellectual, as radical, and as queer as they come, and she's never been afraid to put her politics on full display through her work. Enjoy!
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I recently broached the topic of opening up the relationship to allow me to have purely sexual connections with women - both with him in the bedroom, and without him - and while the conversation stayed grounding and loving, it hit him hard. He’s not personally interested in hooking up with other women himself, and he’s afraid that I’ll end up falling in love with someone else.
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I will say that it's very important to make a clear distinction between the time you are "in character" as your "D/S dynamic" selves, and the time you're both just two human beings on equal footing in your "relationship dynamic". You can signal when the dynamic needs to shift - when you need to drop the power play and have a check-in around emotions or boundaries - as plainly or as subtly as you want.
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