Guest Columnist Maggie McMuffin talks setting boundaries with your COVID-19 quarantine partners!

This whole coronavirus quarantine has me sheltering in place with both my live-in primary partner (Joy) and my other partner (Cadence) who normally does not live with us. While we all readily agreed to the arrangement in the throes of uncertainty and panic three weeks ago, both Joy and I are finding ourselves ready to rescind Cadence's invitation. She's taking the whole pandemic thing a lot harder (emotionally) than Joy and I; she lost almost all her income as a result of it and was a bit of a germaphobe to begin with. She spends all of her time in my bed when I'm busy and is otherwise glued to me, making it impossible for Joy and I to prioritize "us" time. When the three of us hangout intentionally, she's always a total Debbie Downer. Am I being awful? Help!

When all of this is over, we’ll be able to write a book about how this quarantine affected polycules.

First, I want to reaffirm that you and Joy did a lovely thing by inviting Cadence to shelter in place with you. But just because you do something nice for a partner does not mean you’re not allowed to set boundaries. Moving in together, even temporarily — especially under uncontrollable circumstances — is going to change your dynamics. You and Joy used to have built-in “you” time by merit of living alone together; even if Cadence had moved in under ideal circumstances, the three of you would still need to sit down and initiate a frank, compassionate conversation about boundaries. So, better late than never!

First, you should think about your individual needs. It sounds like you might be working from home, so start with that. When do you need quiet? Time to focus? Have you built a routine for yourself? Now expand that to incorporating Joy and Cadence’s routines. What do they need? It sounds like Cadence may not have many of her own projects/passions/hobbies to engage in, and not having a routine of some kind makes it much easier to spiral. Cue “clingyness”.

At the very least, talk to Joy about finding a spot in the house that can be just Cadence’s. I spent the first few days of quarantine with my girlfriend and her husband and very quickly realized that no matter how welcoming they were, I felt out of place. They both had desks to work from and I was on their couch. Currently I am sheltering with another partner in a shared household with way more space. On my second day I set up the work station I’m currently using; it’s out of the way of everyone in the house and it’s a space that I got to set up as being exclusively mine. Being able to have a spot to go work on things or talk to my own friends helps my brain to not focus on everything happening in the world. If Cadence only has a spot that is yours’ (the bed, which is also a very loaded space if you share it with Joy) then there’s really no place for her to be grounded in all of this.

Encourage Cadence to find a hobby or help with household projects. At the very least she could watch a movie a day, ideally the kind you and Joy wouldn’t have an interest watching with her. Let her find the benefits of time to herself. Once she has that it might be easier to sit down and figure out intentional time for you and her and you and Joy. Remember that the three of you share a common wellness goal: Not going completely bonkers and hating each other by the end of this. Work towards that together even if it means doing things apart.

As for Cadence catastrophizing, encourage her to speak to people outside of your house as a reminder that the world still exists and that she’s not alone in her suffering. Does she have a preexisting social, professional and/or familial community she can access via digital means? Are there barriers to accessing them that perhaps you could assist in neutralizing? If her anxiety is getting really bad, there are also many therapists who are starting to see new clients via video and phone sessions. You and Joy are her partner/metamour, not her parents, not her caretakers. You already did a wonderful thing inviting her to stay with you, but that does not make you wholly responsible for her. You aren’t being awful. Everyone is in an unprecedented situation and doing the best they can. Be kind to each other and to yourself, and know that you have an entire planet of people who are also currently doing the best they can with what they have at your back!

Maggie McMuffin is a queer nightlife performer and sex worker living the bicoastal dream. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and in your local dumpster. Instagram @maggie_mcmuffin, Twitter @MaggieMcMuff.