I’m in an extremely uncomfortable position and I have zero idea how to proceed. My husband and I started out in a “polyamory under duress” situation ten years ago (I was the one who didn’t want to try it). I recognize now that we didn’t get off to the healthiest beginning, but now we’re both non-monogamous in a way that feels good. Normally I have pleasant relationships with my husband’s metamours, but his current girlfriend is a different story. She’s been with my husband as a casual partner for a few months and is younger than his normal type, and he’s mentioned to me that he finds her emotionally immature on several occasions. Although they always use protection (I trust my husband’s safety protocols) she is now claiming that she’s pregnant and the baby is his. She doesn’t have any other kind of support network that I know of and I want to believe and support women -- and I also want to give my husband a chance to deal with this appropriately -- but my intuition is saying that she’s lying. How does this Lifetime Original Movie end?

The thing about starting “polyamory under duress” is that you don’t often have the meaningful conversations that non-monogamous relationships thrive on. You’re honestly just trying to survive a situation that you’re not completely checked in on. Real conversations are more stress-inducing and less fact-finding. 

Way back in the day when my polyamory was fresh and new, my wife and I had to have the hard talk about what we would do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. 

For my wife, that conversation needed a bit of nuance. Society tells us that women are naturally inclined to be mothers and that she’d seamlessly fall into the role. But she knew herself better than that. As someone with limited bandwidth for people, in general, she knew she wasn’t going to magically transform into an over-the-top kind of parent. She would show up reasonably enough and be as loving and nurturing as she was capable of. A decade and a half later, she’s done a great job with our two small children. Children that she and I made together.

Now, had I ended up 3D-printing some new kids with someone else, some adjustments would need to be made. My wife was kind of indifferent to the idea of me having kids outside of our marriage. She couldn’t promise me any level of support and her engagement would’ve fallen drastically to somewhere between “cool aunt” and “completely uninvolved.” 

For me, the answer was a lot simpler. “If you squeeze it out, I’ll raise it,” I told her. I’ve got the higher bandwidth for parenting and I didn’t want any home that I’m a part of to be a broken one. “If the kid is technically not mine, I’ll defer to the wishes of the dad. But my default setting here is to raise your kids all the same. I don’t care who you have them with.” That was it. We discussed it and we both set our expectations accordingly.

It sounds like you and your husband haven’t done the same. No worries, though. You’ve got some time to figure it out. But this is no different than anything in polyamory. Your husband’s relationships (and all that come with that) are his responsibility. Let’s talk about what your responsibilities are. That baby is coming and you need to have a plan in place. We’ll work under the assumption that this is indeed your husband’s child and his partner intends to carry it to term.

1. You need to decide what your boundaries are between yourself and your metamour. You mentioned that she’s young and your husband refers to her as emotionally immature. That combination, with the added pressure of a newborn may be a recipe for friction. This child isn’t yours. You don’t have a responsibility here. So, you get to measure out how much interaction you’re willing to have while still supporting your husband/marriage and taking care of yourself. Personally, I offer money when I want to help but also need to maintain a safe distance. Figure out what that help and that distance looks like for you, then...
   

2. Give from a place of abundance. You want to believe and support women? Good! Keep that same energy. What does supporting your metamour look like for you? What does supporting her child look like for you? How can you offer that kind of support while still maintaining the boundaries you’ve set for yourself back at the first point. When you have that settled, give freely and enthusiastically. Every kid needs as much positive energy and attention that we have to spare. Just remember to ONLY offer (money, effort, time) what you have to spare. If you dip into resources you don’t really have to give, your generosity will soon turn into resentment. And there’s no point where resenting a kid gets fun.
   

3. Get a paternity test. Seriously. It’s just good to have as much information. You can buy them online or at your local drug store. Compared to the cost of raising a kid, they’re pretty cheap.
   

4. Reevaluate. What you learn during a paternity test may change the arrangement. Or maybe it won’t. You may still decide to help raise a child you’re not connected to. You may cut all ties. Your husband may decide to get a vasectomy to avoid future scares. Either way, be gentle with yourself and be gentle with this new mother.

Kevin Patterson is an active member of the Philadelphia polyamory community. He's been practicing ethical nonmonogamy since August of 2002 after opening up a relationship that eventually became his marriage.

In April of 2015, Kevin was inspired to start Poly Role Models, an interview series for people describing their experiences with polyamory. Poly Role Models is part of a drive and a desire to change the way our lives and communities are viewed. It is currently the most diverse and inclusive platform for polyamory available.

To continue the discussion of polyamorous representation, Kevin has extended the blog's work into nationwide speaking engagements about how race and polyamory intersect. This has led to the writing of the book, Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities. @polyrolemodels (Twitter) & www.polyrolemodels.tumblr.com