I am at my wit's end. I impulsively decided to quarantine with a new beau that I'd met mere weeks before we went into lockdown. We have great chemistry and they were going through an unstable housing transition when the apocalypse started so it seemed like an obvious solution (plus honestly I was afraid of quarantining solo and the impact it'd have on my mental health). Six weeks later I'm ready to throttle them. I have since learned that they are a bit of a coronavirus conspiracy theorist and also don't "believe in" pharmaceuticals...or science really, for that matter. We get in almost daily arguments about it now. We're both LGBTQ+ and if I kick them out I fear they'll have nowhere to go. Is problematic company better than no company during these times? Am I letting my fear of isolation prevent me from doing what I know I want to? HELP.

I feel for you because this is a hard situation for you and your boo during this COVID-19 crisis.

There are two separate conversations that need to be had; have one with your partner, and have a real conversation with yourself. I recommend taking a private break like a long shower or even a solo walk around the neighborhood with your mask and your thoughts. You haven’t been with your person terribly long before this global emergency, so this is a new experience learning how compatible you are as housemates. You are also learning how you both handle stress in small confines.

It’s a delicate balance to remind yourself that your boundaries and limits are still important, especially in a pandemic. You invited your new beau because you assumed it would be better than feeling lonely. Loneliness is one danger to your health, but unnecessary stress is another concern. There are many people who must unfortunately stay in problematic company, but that is not your situation. You are the only one who can answer if it’s still worth it. In times like today, your sanity is a rare gift and you are allowed to defend it.

If your boo isn’t good for your mental health then you are absolutely allowed to set clear guidelines for guests in your home. Those guidelines can include following the stay at home order and self-isolation. It’s also not unreasonable to set rules around discussions of fake news. I love a good conspiracy theory documentary like everyone with Netflix, but they should research sources before repeating information.

You could try showing your boo how to view sources for articles. You’d be surprised how many people never learned that skill. It would be a matter of them not understanding the big deal about playing “devil’s advocate” with fake articles. Scientists have explained the ways that faux information can be deadly. Your beau being an LGBTQ+ person doesn’t absolve them of potentially harmful behavior. They are putting you, a fellow LGBTQ+ person, in harm’s way. It’s wonderful that you want to share your space and resources but you have to be real with yourself if this altruism will have unintended consequences. If their commitment to 5G anti-vaccine pseudoscience means they are refusing to self-isolate, sharing misinformation or they are risking your exposure to illness then it stops being a philosophical argument and there may be direct consequences to your health. To quote Whoopi’s character from the film Ghost, “You in danger, girl!”

The issue is less about their problematic ideology and more if they respect you enough to make safer choices. A partner in this sense has to be someone who is concerned for your health during this crisis, whether you live together or not. If they are not taking your concerns about the situation seriously then you have to ask yourself if they are ready for a relationship. At the minimum, you should be able to express your concerns and feel understood. If you feel they are not cooperative or unresponsive, you are not obligated to maintain them as a guest in your home. Everyone involved in this situation is an adult who is able to make choices. Hopefully after your conversation, you are able to find a balance and can work as a team in the midst of everything. If they need to go, that is their choice because you gave them options. Your fear about being left to quarantine alone? I won’t pretend lonely isn’t hard, especially with an uncertain future end date. I can say that you deserve to feel safe in your home and you are able to decide what that means. Lonely comes and goes for all of us, whether we live with people or do not. Don’t be afraid to make the choice that you need.

Jaki Griot is a Black, queer, kinky storyteller, sex educator and the chapter head of Unruly LA (@unruly_social_club on IG). Jaki has a passion for sexual health education for Black and Brown LGBTQ+ folx. They spend their time masturbating and creating erotic art. You can follow them on Instagram @pervertsofcolor.

Guest Columnist Jaki Griot empowers a reader to set boundaries around a conspiracy-theorist partner!