Hey Andre! Just a regular southeastern guy here looking for some advice on navigating group sex for the first time. My wife and I have been together since high school and sex has never been a problem between us. We’ve always been a little kinky/freaky, but we’ve stayed monogamous so far. But, the other day she told me about a fantasy she has of being gangbanged by other guys and to be honest, I got REALLY excited about it! She wants me to be involved, too. We’re obviously game, but where do we go from here? How do we set something like this up without inviting trouble?

Ooh, what a treat to ring in the New Year! I absolutely adore coaching folks through coordinating multiple partner play. I love group sex for a great number of reasons, including:

• It allows an opportunity for intense, prolonged, and/or overwhelming physical stimulation from multiple parties (which is great if one partner’s abilities or cardio stamina are incompatible with the time the other partner takes to orgasm). Just “tap out” when you’re tired and enjoy being a voyeur for a bit before tapping back in!

• It’s considered a societal “taboo” and thus holds a lot of naughty appeal for those sexual revolutionaries who love breaking the rules.

• Playing with and exploring a new person’s body for the first time is always a treat!

• You can make your XXX porno and wet dream fantasies come true!

• It’s an educational opportunity! Playing with multiple people gives you more practical sexual experience and contributes to you being a better lover overall. Think about it: If you only ride one horse your entire life, your riding skills are bound to be limited!

• It can stand alone as a one-off experience, but can also act as a “gateway” to other forms of non-monogamy between you and your partner. 

• It’s a chance to mix energetic, power and kink dynamics with others, e.g. multiple tops on a submissive, a single top on multiple submissives, and lots of switching opportunity!

Believe it or not, navigating group sex CAN be done successfully...with great patience, determination and intentionality, that is. Here are some of my best tips and tricks for setting up an orgiastic rendezvous that you and your wife will be fondly recollecting for years to cum, erm, “come”...

1. TALK ABOUT IT. Obviously you and your wife are already doing just that -- Congratulations! -- but there are some important points you want to hit when you’re still in the “exploratory conversations” phase. You’ll want to cover any past experiences you’ve both had with group sex (positive, negative or neutral), what excites each of you about it, and any concerns, anxieties or insecurities either of you have. Be sure to authentically listen to and validate one another! Don’t forget to discuss how you both will communicate with each other while you’re “in the moment” as well. Will you have a verbal or non-verbal cue to signal that someone needs to check in or take a break? I recommend negotiating both!
   

2. SAFE(R) SEX NEGOTIATIONS. Contrary to popular belief, adding multiple partners to your sex life does not inherently make that sex any riskier. It all depends on what kinds of sexual activities you get up to (BDSM vs. Manual Sex vs. Oral Sex vs. Genital Penetration) and what types of protection you and your partners decide to use. Protection could include finger cots, latex or nitrile gloves, dental dams, internal and external condoms, other methods of birth control (the pill, an IUD, etc), and more. Make sure you’re having these conversations with your wife as well as whoever you both decide to bring into the fold.
   

3. LOGISTICS. Where is this taking place? Your home? A public sex party? A hotel room?What happens afterwards? Do you kick everyone out and have intentional time to yourselves? Do you invite folks to stay for post-coital pizza and beer first? Are you offering a crashpad for folks to spend the night?
   

4. STRANGER OR FRIEND? The eternal debate! Hooking up with trusted acquaintances can feel more intimate, connective and safe. Friends tend to be gossipy, however, so you may want to reconsider if discretion is extremely important to you. I consider friends who live far away (and will only be in town briefly) to be a compromise of sorts for this reason. If using someone familiar to you, make sure you discuss what your relationship to one another will look like AFTER the sex happens. Will you only hangout when you want to hook up, or do you want to resume a platonic relationship with them after the fact?

   For ideas of where to look for stranger connections:

   • Apps: Bumble, Tinder, Thrinder, Grindr, Open, etc.

   • Online: OkCupid, Fetlife, etc.

   • Public: Swinging, Play Parties, Kink/BDSM Spaces, Sexuality Conferences, Bars, Nightclubs, Sexually Liberated Spaces (museums, galleries, talks, shows, etc), etc.

     If you’re developing a profile for an app or dating website, be sure you clearly demonstrate that you are a couple. Many folks will use only photos of the feminine person in the preexisting couple as “bait” in order to entice a third, then spring the masculine person in the preexisting couple on them in later conversation.

     Finally, if you’re inclined towards stranger connections but are wary of all the potential unknown variables, consider hiring a sex worker! We’re skilled, professional, safe(r) sex savvy, and we promise not to have bad boundaries and blow your phone up afterwards. You and your wife can even make a sexy date night out of pouring some glasses of wine and going “shopping” for folks you’re into via websites like Eros, Slixa and Tryst.
     

5. IT’S GONNA BE AWKWARD, I PROMISE. Group sex will be awkward, plain and simple, and it doesn’t have to kill the mood. There will be weird sounds and smells, and someone will likely catch a foot to the eye. If you haven’t already, cultivate the ability to laugh during sex (and trust that you’ll have a funny story to tell afterwards!). Don’t let it deter you; you didn’t stop dating altogether after your first bad date, did you? Finally, go easy on yourself if you and your wife try group sex and just end up not liking it altogether. Some fantasies aren’t quite as delectable when they’re actualized; there’s always a chance that you two try it (maybe even a few times, just to make sure) and later resign it back to fantasy, and THAT’S OKAY!