Quick question for you! I’m a straight woman in my mid-20s setting up my first gangbang where, among other things, I want to experience double penetration. There’s a guy I really like who wants to be a part of it, but he disclosed that he has intermittent erectile dysfunction and I have to be honest, it turned me off a little. I haven’t responded to him yet only because I don’t see how I could get my sexual needs met with him being involved. Am I being an asshole?

(I will be using binary M/F gendered language throughout my response to this reader as I presume I am speaking to/about two cisgender individuals)

First things first: Limp dicks have feelings too, reader, and intention differs from impact.

Your intention may have been to simply put this guy on hold while doing some research on erectile dysfunction, but ghosting him immediately after he disclosed something vulnerable to you undoubtedly gave him a different impression…and may have unearthed some feelings of self-consciousness and shame on his part. See, in post-#MeToo culture we find ourselves giving major lip service to female body confidence, autonomy and pleasure, and rightfully so! Our country was practically built off of men’s desire to control both our minds and our bodies, often by making the former hate the latter. This insidious strategy creates a highly contagious self-destructive wheel that helps enforce the social and political power hierarchies we’ve come to know and loathe by pitting women against themselves — and each other. But, I digress!

Occasionally our hyper-woke focus on female sexual empowerment leaves men in the lurch, which would be just fine — IMHO — if so many of us weren’t still keen on fucking them. As long as we are, however, we should acknowledge that men are just as sexually complex and nuanced as we are, and most struggle with their own body dysphoria and internalized sexual shame as they age into adulthood. Thanks, Society!

Our society holds men to impossible sexual standards in the name of maintaining “masculinity” as a rubric through which to judge one’s “success” or “failure” as a man.

• Men are all supposed to have enormous appendages between their legs and to take great pride in their cocks (those blessed with ample packages loudly comparing their girth and length to their peers’, often ironically driven to this behavior by insecurity).

• Men are supposed to have circumcised penises, because uncircumcised penises are “unsightly”.

• Men are supposed to be able to sexually satisfy their women by sheer genital penetration alone.

• Men are supposed to get erect as soon as they’re stimulated and/or aroused and stay erect throughout the entire sexual escapade.

• Men must all have incredible stamina and perform pornographic-level feats of strength such as supporting their own weight while pounding away at their partner for as long as she wants it.

• Men are all supposed to be sexually dominant. Men are all supposed to love blowjobs. Men are all attracted to the same “thin white leggy blonde with big tits” aesthetic. THE LIST GOES ON AND ON AND ON AND ON.

If men “fail” at any of the booby-trapped (heh, boob) expectations above, their masculinity automatically gets called into question, as does their individuality and sense of self. It’s bullshit, plain and simple. This pervasive stigma often leads to ED going undiagnosed in men. In their minds, acknowledging that their dicks aren’t working “like they’re supposed to” can feel humiliating, even scary. Unfortunately, women often internalize — and perpetuate — these same BS expectations of men, because we were socialized to. Women like you, reader.

There’s good news, though — You can always fix the way you think!

ED is not just something that happens “when you’re old”. It can be the temporary side effect of alcohol or drug usage, including prescription medication and hormonal fluctuation. It can be the result of anxiety or depression. It can be the permanent consequence of an injury, heart problems, obesity, diabetes or high blood pressure. Conversations about erectile dysfunction focus all too frequently on fixing it in order to resurrect a sex life of the past rather than restructuring or transitioning one’s sex life into something that looks different, but still gives them joy and fulfillment.

Guys with erectile dysfunction are HOT. You know why? Because life gave them unpredictable (or unattainable) erections, and they had to learn to get by in the bedroom without relying on their dicks. That means they typically have a broader, more inclusive and holistic approach to sexuality (instead of the tired, narrow “penis + vagina = sex” definition). They don’t always center their own penis in the sexual narrative, so they’re often very invested in their partner’s pleasure and are better at engaging in conversations around sex than the average dude. They’re usually excellent with their hands and mouths and can be much more open to concepts like Kink/BDSM, sex toys in the bedroom, and more. Why wouldn’t you want to fuck a guy with ED?!

Here are a few ways a guy with ED may fit into your DP-focused gang bang:

He could be a member of your “foreplay pit crew”, helping to get you all turned on and warmed up before you’re ready for penetration

and/or

He could penetrate you with his fingers, either during foreplay or once the fucking is in full swing

and/or

He could strap on a harness like Spare Part’s Deuce with a dildo of your choosing secured in front and could fuck you brainless with the toy

and/or

He could be the “ringleader” of the gang bang, lining up all the guys in an established order, doling out condoms and lube and periodically checking in with you to make sure you’re getting all your needs met

and/or

He could penetrate you after using a penis pump, while using a penis extender, or after taking Viagra (as long as it’s been prescribed by a reputable physician and is not being taken excessively, that is).

Finally — in the future, stop with the ghosting. We’re not in high school anymore and as adults we should maintain our integrity and communicate with others to the best of our ability, treating them how we’d like to be treated in return. Acceptable responses to this guy disclosing that he has erectile dysfunction could have been —

“Thank you so much for sharing that! I’m largely unfamiliar with ED — would you mind if I asked you some questions?”

or

“I appreciate you being forthcoming with me. Since this gang bang will be focused around me receiving a lot of overwhelming penetration, how do you see yourself engaging with my body?”

or

“Thanks for throwing your hat in the ring! I used your message as an opportunity to read up on ED, and based on the general theme of my gang bang I don’t know if you’d be the best fit. However, I think you’re super cute — permission to possibly hit you up in the future for other kinds of play?”

You’re welcome.