My primary partner has recently been dating someone, and it seems like their relationship is becoming pretty serious. She's a great partner to him, and I appreciate the care and respect she shows for our relationship. But I have just one problem with her... She keeps misgendering me! When we first met, I told her my pronouns are they/them. I even corrected her a few times. Despite that, she keeps using she/her for me. As a result I've avoided hanging out with her as much as possible. Now I'm hearing from other people in our friend group that she's still misgendering me. How can I get her to stop?

Gosh, as someone who has been through similar situations I just want to say that sounds absolutely exhausting! I’m sorry to hear you’ve had to deal with this. Being misgendered can be traumatizing and, even if it’s a mistake, is harmful to transgender/nonbinary/gender nonconforming folks. While the topic of pronouns has often come up in the media lately, some readers may not be aware, so I want to give a quick primer on pronouns and their importance. Pronouns are the words we use in place of someone’s name when we talk about them, such as he/him, she/her or they/them (amongst many other less commonly used pronouns). Remembering and using someone’s correct pronouns is as important as remembering and using someone’s name and pronouncing it correctly. When someone doesn’t use your pronouns, it can feel like they don’t really see or respect you. This is why it probably feels especially disappointing coming from someone within your polycule. 

For this issue, there are really two directions you could go. The first may seem obvious- you could break up with your partner. When someone is willing to date someone who exhibits transphobic behavior, it may be they are also transphobic. Leaving the situation entirely could feel empowering. It can also lead to negative consequences depending on other factors such as access to social support and financial resources.  The other, possibly more difficult, option is trying to maintain the relationship you have with your partner and/or your metamour. It sounds to me like you’d rather stick it out, at least for a little while, so here are some ideas and questions to consider if you want to continue your relationship. 

First and foremost, this may seem like the most obvious question but, have you talked to your partner about this? Does he know that this is an ongoing issue and how it’s negatively impacting you? How has he responded? It’s important that your partner know how much this behavior affects you, because you deserve to have a partner who will stand up for you. If your partner is unwilling to support you in this situation, consider what that means for your relationship and their respect for you as their partner. I think this also applies to your mutual friends. They seem to know this behavior is problematic, since they’ve mentioned it to you. Have you told them how it makes you feel? 

Do you feel safe having a full discussion with your meta about how it feels and why it’s important to you that she uses your correct pronouns? If she’s cisgender, especially if she doesn’t have any other out trans/nonbinary folks in her life, she might not understand the gravity of her actions. A lot of cisgender people don’t realize that misgendering someone, especially repeatedly misgendering someone, is an act of violence. Ignorance doesn’t make the act any less violent, and it is not your job to educate her. That said, if you want to maintain the relationship you’ve had with her, initiating this discussion could show her that you’re putting in the effort to keep her in your life. If you don’t feel safe speaking with her alone, having a neutral party present as a mediator might help. The goal, no matter what action you take, is to make sure your needs are centered and that things are done in a way that keep you emotionally safe. 

If all else fails, it may be best to set some extra boundaries. This could include not going to events where you know your metamour will be present or asking friends to check in before inviting you both to the same event, leaving online spaces she frequents, or asking your partner or friends to not talk to you about your metamour. Set as many or as few boundaries with her as feel right for you.  All that said, there’s the possibility that you might never get her to stop. Your metamour needs to realize for herself that what she is doing is harmful and make the conscious effort to unlearn that behavior. If it seems like she may respond to other voices on the topic, here are some resources you could offer her:

• A Quick & Easy Guide To They/Them Pronouns by Archie Bongiovanni and Tristan Jimerson

• "What are pronouns?" | Minus 18

• "All Your Questions About Gender-Neutral Pronouns Answered" | Teen Vogue

• "A Guide to Non-Binary Pronouns and Why They Matter" | Huffington Post 

Ren Grabert (they/them) is a sex educator and healthcare researcher with over a decade of experience teaching about gender identity, alternative relationships, and navigating sex and chronic illness. Ren’s passion is supporting marginalized sexual communities and teaching healthcare providers the information and skills to facilitate patient-centered, affirming dialogue so that they are better prepared to discuss sexual health with their patients. Ren holds a B.S. in Public Health from Temple University and an M.Ed. in Human Sexuality Education from Widener University. In the very little spare time they have, Ren is a knitter and devoted dog parent. Find them on all over social media at @sexhealthinfo.