Andre here, with a very special BONUS advice column for you! One of my favorite guest columnists, Auntie Vice, has penned a wonderful “pocket guide” for neurotypical non-monogamous folks who find themselves in partnerships with people living with clinical anxiety — I published that piece back on Wednesday September 24th. She also submitted an accompanying piece addressing how folks living with clinical anxiety can have loving, healthy, successful polyamorous partnerships, and I’m super excited to share that piece with you now! As someone living with clinical anxiety who also dates partners suffering from the same, I found these guides invaluable. So buckle up and enjoy Part II!

If you live with clinical anxiety (and statistically about 1 in 5 of us do) polyamory would seem to be a whole cluster*%# to be avoided. Looking at the realities of polyam- the scheduling, dealing with a partner’s NRE, managing emotions and needs of multiple people - would seem to add an overwhelming amount anxiety. However, living with anxiety and having a successful polyam love life is possible! 

Living with anxiety changes the way our brains work. We watch for behavior and signs to figure out how to protect ourselves. Many people develop anxiety after being hurt or harmed in some way. We apply absolutist thinking to situations which resemble past circumstances which hurt us. Our brains can find ways to connect dots which really shouldn’t be connected. Understanding that, we need to be aware that some of our behaviors differ from more mainstream reactions. These different behaviors can derail our relationships.

Need for Excessive Reassurance. For the anxious partner, it is important to recognize that we communicate about positive statements differently than other people. We have to remember we tend to negate these positive reinforcements from our partners in our own head. This behavior can come across as overly needy, dismissive of our partners’ affections, or as if we are not listening. 

Remind Yourself of Positive Behaviors from Your Partners. I pushed my first wife away with my constant demands for reassurance I was enough, I was lovable, and she wanted to be with me. After the divorce I recognized I live with anxiety. I treat it with medication, alternative healthcare practices, and mindfulness practices. However, anxiety will still raise its ugly head, especially in relation to my intimate relationships.

Anyone can retrain their brain to be less anxious if they focus on the positive behaviors around you. Looking for your partners’ caring behaviors and then creating a way to remember those (e.g., a journal, a gratitude list, a jar filled with slips with the positive behaviors). Over time, your brain begins to look for the good stuff which reduces anxiety rather than spin out on the possible negative behaviors.

Communicate About Your Anxiety. Folks with anxiety also have to work on how we communicate about our anxiety. Learning to identify when we are feeling anxious and let our partners know we are anxious can help. Being able to discuss what happens to us mentally and physically when we experience anxiety helps our partners understand what we are going through and how to respond to us appropriately.

Your partner may have anxiety. Other people in your polypod may have anxiety. None of them experience them the way you experience your anxiety. Being able to tell people about what makes you anxious, what happens to your thoughts when you are anxious, and what you need from them when you are anxious is unique to you. The better you can communicate about these things the more support you will get. Its not easy, but it is worth it.

Take Care of Your Health. Anxiety can impact both physical and mental health. If you fail to address your anxiety you will continue to struggle with it and it will impact your polyam relationships. Everyone will have a different approach to effectively handling your anxiety. Take your medication. See your therapist. Work out, do yoga, remember to walk, drink water and get some sleep. Smoke weed. Meditate. Whatever combination it is which helps you, remember to do it. Do not sacrifice this type of self-care to make two dozen dates with four metamours, your primary and half a dozen new folks. You may experience anxiety over turning down dates and dinners, but you have to prioritize your health.

Be Patient. Just as our partners need to be patient with us and our behaviors, we need to be patient with them. Just as they need to communicate with us about what is going on, we have to do the same for them. It is a learning curve on all parts. This is communication in addition to all the communication which goes on with all the other polyam stuff.

Anxious partners are worthy of love. We add wonderful things to our partners’ lives. They add beautiful things to our lives. It takes time to get there though. So do what is one of the hardest things for someone with anxiety to do, be patient. It’s worth it!

Auntie Vice is a writer and podcaster. Her BDSM blog, LoveLettersToAUnicorn.com, focuses on the world of kink through the eyes of a lifelong submissive. Her podcast, Fat Chicks On Top, is a body-positive podcast focusing on groups excluded from the lager movement including, LBGTQ, nonbinary, sex workers, super fats, and disabled folks. @AuntieVice (Twitter, IG, Tumblr, Reddit), @FatGirlsOnTop (Twitter), @FatChicksOnTop (IG, Tumblr)