I just got dumped after I expressed hurt feelings surrounding a threesome that my play partner arranged for my birthday. The morning of, I was told to book the room for her and this new guy to stay in afterwards. I was hurt that I wasn’t invited to be part of the afterwards or even breakfast the next morning. I explained to her that made me feel left out and sabotaged my ability to enjoy the experience (despite going through with it and sucking my first male cock for her). She told me I am an “unsafe bottom” for my failure to communicate. What does that mean and what can I do to correct it? Is there anywhere I can read about this or educate myself more?

Happy Birthday! I got you...a break up?

I too had a failed birthday threesome once, dear reader. My lovely primary partner at the time got a bit overzealous about making the celebratory evening “one to remember”. Unbeknownst to me, they drunkenly roped two of my other [new and extremely submissive] play partners into coming home with us. When we arrived, my primary handcuffed me to the bed, stepped back proudly, and encouraged my other partners to “Go get ‘er!” Both of their faces froze in anxious bewilderment as their eyes turned to mine, silently begging me to tell them what to do. Feeling obligated to see the sex through, I ended up ordering my hands free and then topped the entire awkward experience from the bottom. No relationships ended afterwards, thank goodness, but my primary definitely got a talking-to about threesome protocol moving forward!

I feel for you, and I’m genuinely sorry to hear about your experience. Let me do my best to try and break down where things went wrong.

First, it seems as though you were in a D/S (Dominant/Submissive) relationship with the ex in question. I LOVE D/S play, but one of my biggest relationship pet peeves is when folks use D/S dynamics to mask toxic behavior. From the information you provided me with, your ex sounds like she may be one of those people. Her telling you that you’re an “unsafe bottom” after a communication mishap - that both of you are equally responsible for - is a way for her to waive any personal accountability for what occurred. It’s also gaslighting. Second, instead of rewarding you for coming to her after the threesome and opening up honestly about what didn’t work for you, she punishes you by ending the relationship. In addition to ensuring that any blame for your dissatisfaction fell exclusively on you, her response was also massively disproportionate to the situation at hand. It did NOT warrant her breaking things off.

What SHOULD have happened: When your ex decided to gift “you” a threesome for your birthday (“you” is in quotations because it also very much feels as though it was SHE who wanted the threesome and saw an excuse - with your birthday fast approaching - to indulge), she was responsible for opening up a conversation about it PRIOR to anything going down. You both should have thoroughly discussed your preferences and boundaries (safe sex practices, who would be doing what to whom, safe words, aftercare plans, what future contact with the third person would look like moving forward, etc) to ensure that everyone was on the same page, as well as to set everyone involved up for maximum success and pleasure! She obviously failed to initiate said dialogue, and now, moving forward, you know better than to wait for your Dom to do so. Instead, make sure that you’re always prioritizing communication, even in the early stages of planning something new and intimate. If a Dom ever chastises you for wanting to communicate MORE, that person is not someone you want to be playing with.

I’m not just talking about pre-play communication, however. If you’re going to continue to engage in D/S dynamics, you need to feel empowered enough in your play to utilize your safeword(s) mid-scene if something isn’t feeling right. These can be verbal or nonverbal safewords. If I’m topping a submissive, whether for BDSM or for sex, I have to be able to trust that my submissive a) Has enough physical and emotional intuition to sense when something is “off”, and b) Won’t hesitate to communicate that to me, no matter how “deep” we are in the scene and/or how much I appear to be enjoying myself. Sometimes folks who struggle with communication would rather silently accept a situation that becomes uncomfortable, painful, triggering, or otherwise unpleasant because they feel ashamed that they “can’t handle it” and/or reluctant to “ruin the good time”. These are very human emotions; they also need to be pushed through in order to engage in safe, consensual play.

The next time you find yourself gravitating towards a dominant play partner (or ANY play partner, really!), be certain to lay out your past communication challenges and experiences at the onset. That way you two can begin brainstorming healthy ways to help hold you accountable to your commitment of increased communication, not only before and after scenes, but DURING. Regarding your ex, I’d consider her decision to end the relationship to be your REAL birthday present. Best of luck to you!